Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Randomize
