I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
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