Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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