Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just pynch a tree in the face
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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