If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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