You really coming over, don't trick.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We have started to decorate penises.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
