I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
