God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
In America we eat man semen.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
