Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
COCAINE IS GR8
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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