I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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