when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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