I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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