Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
