Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
They took my balls.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
