I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
