I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
