so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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