I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
