I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
