you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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