Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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