Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
