I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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