He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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