I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
His nipple licking is glorious
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