I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
