And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
