I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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