we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
