Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
