All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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