i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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