Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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