Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
