omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
