dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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