turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
