Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
