i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
