I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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