Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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