When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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