The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I did not marry a roomba.
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