My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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