my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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