I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
