life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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