dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
