Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
