I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
